Angst of an aging problem child.

I'm back in Melville, having moved in for the last time. It feels so so weird - this feeling of ending that I can't help feeling permeates the place isn't great.

The car journey down was interesting - my sister Beth's starting uni in Glasgow so we both had a heap of stuff with us, and my little sister Fi was coming on and ended up being so annoying that my folks have stuck her on a bus to Glasgow. Which should give a clue how utterly unprepared I'm feeling, mentally, for this year. Last year was great, it really was. Now a lot of the good stuff's gone and the self confidence I'd had before the start of the year's just evaporated. And my ex girlfriend's now in Melville and starting going out with one of my best friends. Well, or someone who used to be, I dunno what's going on now. And working out how to act around her is tough, because I don't want to seem too pathetic, I already know they're pitying me, I don't want to seem desperate to stay friends with her and too hurt, I don't want to seem rude and angry and childish. I don't want to seem like I'm trying to be around her too much, because I genuinely like her company, but I don't want to seem like I'm avoiding her.

I'm just generally too hyper and agitated, I know I've never been able to be calm or cool, but I just seem to be a lot more agitated at the moment. This is just tricky...

I really must work out whether I want to call my degree "MMath (Pure Mathematics)" or "MMath(Mathematics)", whether I'm going to start taking anti-depressants again, whether or not I'm going to be able to focus on work and a lot more tough questions like these.

And for some reason, I know I've already got a heap of friends, and I'm going to meet them soon (particularly looking forward to seeing James, Nicholas, Arthur and Tony again, for some reason), and I'm just too scared that I'm just too ... hyper and irritable just now to seem sane. I've been sleeping badly, and I'm aware I'm feeling less comfortable around people again. But such is life.

This year's going to be interesting. Hopefully that'll be in a good way. Let's see what happens

Well ... I'm feeling rather neurotic at the moment. And having had little sleep, and dexedrine and lucozade for breakfast has made me rather hyper. Admittedly, I've got nothing to do, but well, I'm sure there's something. Had a really, really odd, morning of lectures: in MT2002 Lars Olsen more or less repeated his previous lecture, which was largely revision and why the rational numbers are ".. inadequate! The set is too small! We need a bigger one!", which isn't something you want a scary German guy to be yelling at you in the morning. Since his lecture had in fact included an introduction to course and guidelines to books, this rehash of the previous lecture was a bit short of material, and finished 20 minutes early. He then decided to call it a day, leaving me wondering what exactly the point of the lecture had been. Dr Campbell, who was next, also was eerily deja vu-esque, but for different reasons. He was repeating his MT2005 practise of giving all the theorems he'd need to use in the section, and many standard notations, which gives the feeling of being randomly pelted with assorted facts, a feeling which was very prevalent in Discrete Maths, and, his description of the course does give me the feeling he's going to spend the time doing seemingly random things from different areas of maths, with occasional mentions of how these are similiar. Which is a pretty stupid way of teaching maths, a subject which really should be linear, building upon previous works, hopefully trying to use similiar things to bring them together, rather than stringing together odd things. His old form was showing through, at one point he was talking in zeros and ones again, not long enough to get ridiculous, but long enough to make James whisper to me "Make the bad man stop.". His handwriting's as unintelligible as ever, and his voice is as hard to focus on as ever. My ADD seems to be getting a little worse, possibly due to the lack of the calming SSRI. Anyway, Campbell could be a good lecturer, he just doesn't seem to want to. Why can't someone just put him out of our misery, I say?

I currently am feeling extremely hyper, and need to find things to do in St Andrews. Or in life. Really. Anyway, I must dash, because I've got nothing better to do. And try and hold myself together. Or do something.